everything is never as it seems

Time is so confusing and strange. How can it seem so many different ways at one time? I feel like I just got to APCA, but I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like my time here has gone so fast, and that two weeks more here is no time at all. But I am also so anxious/excited about getting to Thailand (if you know why, you know why) that it seems forever away. Sometimes it seems like one class period can stretch on for days, but then suddenly the entire week is gone and it's Friday. Then I wonder, have I even taught anything this whole week?
Obviously wondering about time is nothing new. I've always done it; everyone always does it. But I am just pointing out that I seem to be caught at a particularly odd intersection of fast, slow, past, present, future.
Speaking of future...maybe it's better to just ASK about future, because the answers are all "I don't know" or as they say in Cambodia, "kynam ot dong"
When will I leave Asia?
When I come back to the states, what will I do?
Where will I live?
Will I have any money?
Will I actually be able to move to New York anytime soon?
How am I going to learn Spanish? --because I really do want to learn. There's no question about that.
One thing I have learned during my travels is that I am much less insecure about my lack of direction than everyone else seems to want me to be. I don't mean that I don't have any goals, it's just that they aren't prioritized in the average way. Ok, perhaps it gave me a mini panic-attack to hear that Carter has a job lined up right out of college. But for now I am quite alright with going through my life checking off things from my list of things to do and places to go, and letting life get in the way where it will. And of course it will. I'm not out to force away good things or opportunities that come my way just so I can get on to the next thing on my list. Hopefully, I don't unintentionally do this or become this way. But for all of those hundreds of bar customers at CBC in Chattanooga who asked and asked "but what will you do?" I am doing it. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a salary or health benefits. That's ok, I can deal with that for the time being.
As for one other thing, I know it is said often to people who are traveling, I'm living vicariously through you. In fact that's probably the main reason people read travel blogs. Okay, I understand that not everyone can pick up and just hang around in Asia for a while. But I just don't like the whole idea of this sentence. I don't want people living through me. Or their children, or characters in romance novels. Or anyone else who people live vicariously through. I get the idea, but it doesn't even work. Don't hinge any part of your life on someone else's, you have your own. And don't pretend you can't do something just because you are scared or what would happen if you did. I will be excited for you whatever you do. Even those of you going into the "real world." But being excited and interested in someone's life is different than wanting the same things for yourself.
I miss you all terribly. I hope I can see you soon, and I hope I am a little less confused by then about a few things...but either way, I would rather be confused than bored. And I am definitely not that. Also, if anyone knows someone who works for an airline that could hook me up, or if you know of a particularly cheap website for airline tickets, pleease let me know. thanks.