Unemployed, yet privileged

There are people who worked their entire lives on the Louisiana gulf as fishermen who are now employed to lay on their stomachs and wipe off oil from blades of grass. As if it weren't bad enough that the careers they based their entire lives around suddenly disappeared, they are now employed by the very company who stole these careers from them to perform demeaning, painstaking and perhaps senseless work. At the same time, their freedom of speech was taken away from them— to get this job they had to agree not to talk to the press.

And that's just one recent example of the sort of horrible situation someone might find themselves in these days. There are people who worked for companies or corporations for their whole lives, who were abruptly laid off and found themselves with no money or other opportunities. There are people who have been hurt on their jobs who are denied their disability claims and cannot physically work, there are people whose houses, jobs and communities were lost in floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc. These are obviously all very bad situations. So to compare my own situation with any of these seems selfish and melodramatic.

So, I'm not trying to do that. I didn't write this to say my current position is particularly terrible. I wrote it to point out how bad the situation really is out there for people who are not as lucky as me.

I have an enormous safety net — though my parents aren't enormously wealthy, they would never let me starve to death or live on the street. I live with my boyfriend and as far as I can tell, he isn't going to kick me out for missing my rent payment. Even if for some reason Chris and my parents left me in the dust (which they wouldn't), I have plenty of friends who are accommodating enough to provide food or shelter for me if it were really necessary.

I have technically been unemployed since November, but mostly by choice. I chose to quit my jobs and go to Southeast Asia with the money I saved working in restaurants. I chose not to get a job after I came back from my 4 ½ month spree of volunteering and vagabonding so that instead I could focus on fixing up my parent's yard and patio as a gift to them.

I moved back to Chattanooga almost three weeks ago, though it feels like much longer when daytime television starts to seem like a valid form of entertainment. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, and while I don't have much experience in what I call big kid jobs— where you sit in an office and daydream about your weekends off and retiring someday— I have plenty of experience in restaurants, as I've worked in them since I was 16.

I have some money, thanks to my parents, I have some food and shelter, thanks to my lovely boyfriend, and I have friends and contacts in a variety of places here. I have a car that I can use to go apply for jobs all over the city. I have gas for my car. I have a degree. I have experience in the service industry. I've never been convicted of a crime. So things could be worse for me, obviously. But being rejected every day at least a few times for a couple weeks will take a beating on anyone. How many more applications can I possibly fill out before I lose hope altogether? If I didn't have a car, I would give up sooner. If I didn't have food to eat, I would give up sooner. If I didn't have friends and family encouraging me, I would give up sooner. Even in my privileged situation, I have slumped into a near depression because of my constant job search and lack of hope. I have started to feel like I am just sending out resumes attached to balloons into the air and hoping someone eventually responds to me. I have generally gone out daily on a job search, but on a couple of particularly sluggish and depressing days felt so overwhelmed with the idea of it that I felt trapped in my apartment and doomed to live a lonely, lazy housewife-type life. I've thought I might as well stock up on stretchy pants and potato chips and spend whole days according to the View and Rachel Ray.

I know I know, I sound like a spoiled little brat. It's been a couple weeks, and I almost did have a job there for a second, though that's a whole other story. But maybe because I do recognize my privileges, it makes me feel even worse for feeling bad in the first place, so I find myself trapped in a circle of guilt and genuine frustration. Every time I feel like screaming or crying, I think of people who have been unemployed for years because their jobs were outsourced, or people who can't get a job because they are raising four kids by themselves. Then I think, wow, Jessica, stop being an idiot. Things will work out for you eventually. And then I think that unfortunately for some people, that might not be true. Some people really might not find a job, or they might be trapped in a job that pays only minimum wage and they will always be struggling to find food and shelter for themselves and their families.

Since the recession, most of the stigma of being unemployed has worn off, as people have seen their friends, families, co-workers, or themselves suddenly jobless. But some people still hold onto the idea that the unemployed folks in this country are just lazy, unskilled, and purposely abusing the system. I can say now from personal experience that this is simply NOT TRUE (not that I thought that before). Times are tough out there, even for young, white, college-educated, well-traveled, privileged girls like me. But they are much tougher for most people, and I truly recognize that.

a private kind of happiness

So, the travelin' life doesn't last forever. Everything eventually comes to an end, I suppose. I'm still trying to process everything, but I think I am doing pretty well with it considering the anxiety problems I have at times. Perhaps it helps that I'm on the most chill beach possible and it seems like nothing could be stressful here.

But I have a week left in Asia. After a couple weeks of vacation, that just means that you are coming to the end of a nice little trip. But after 4 1/2 months, it means that you are coming to the end of an important section of your life.

It doesn't help that I don't have one single thing worked out for when I go home. But in a weird way, the uncertainty of my situation at home is comforting because it's just like traveling. Traveling in Southeast Asia means you are always uncertain of the next step you might take. I have a few ideas about what I'll do and where I'll go, but I'm making no certain decisions now. It would be pointless to anyway. But I do know that wherever I go and whatever I do, I'll figure something out and it will probably be ok.

Unfortunately I missed the application deadline for the summer internship for the US Campaign for Burma, because I procrastinated about it and then I got sick. But I guess if I were really meant to do that I would have tried harder and things would have worked out differently. Really it doesn't matter, it's just one summer option that is now out of the picture.

When I get home you can ask me any questions you want, but just know that whatever I say to you is only one tiny part of my experience here. I will show you all my pictures if you want, but if you are bored with them don't feel obligated to look at them all. And don't think that that's what things actually looked like. Pictures are pictures of course.

So here I am all mixed up again. I'm sad to be leaving. I'm excited about certain options that might have opened up. I'm nervous about making money. I'm nervous about having responsibilities again. I'm excited to be able to call my best friend whenever I feel like it. I'm excited to see my cat! I'm scared. But I'm also ready to just jump right back in to everything. I love you all and I will see you or at least talk to you on a normal phone verrry verry soon.

everything is never as it seems

Time is so confusing and strange. How can it seem so many different ways at one time? I feel like I just got to APCA, but I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like my time here has gone so fast, and that two weeks more here is no time at all. But I am also so anxious/excited about getting to Thailand (if you know why, you know why) that it seems forever away. Sometimes it seems like one class period can stretch on for days, but then suddenly the entire week is gone and it's Friday. Then I wonder, have I even taught anything this whole week?
Obviously wondering about time is nothing new. I've always done it; everyone always does it. But I am just pointing out that I seem to be caught at a particularly odd intersection of fast, slow, past, present, future.
Speaking of future...maybe it's better to just ASK about future, because the answers are all "I don't know" or as they say in Cambodia, "kynam ot dong"
When will I leave Asia?
When I come back to the states, what will I do?
Where will I live?
Will I have any money?
Will I actually be able to move to New York anytime soon?
How am I going to learn Spanish? --because I really do want to learn. There's no question about that.
One thing I have learned during my travels is that I am much less insecure about my lack of direction than everyone else seems to want me to be. I don't mean that I don't have any goals, it's just that they aren't prioritized in the average way. Ok, perhaps it gave me a mini panic-attack to hear that Carter has a job lined up right out of college. But for now I am quite alright with going through my life checking off things from my list of things to do and places to go, and letting life get in the way where it will. And of course it will. I'm not out to force away good things or opportunities that come my way just so I can get on to the next thing on my list. Hopefully, I don't unintentionally do this or become this way. But for all of those hundreds of bar customers at CBC in Chattanooga who asked and asked "but what will you do?" I am doing it. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a salary or health benefits. That's ok, I can deal with that for the time being.
As for one other thing, I know it is said often to people who are traveling, I'm living vicariously through you. In fact that's probably the main reason people read travel blogs. Okay, I understand that not everyone can pick up and just hang around in Asia for a while. But I just don't like the whole idea of this sentence. I don't want people living through me. Or their children, or characters in romance novels. Or anyone else who people live vicariously through. I get the idea, but it doesn't even work. Don't hinge any part of your life on someone else's, you have your own. And don't pretend you can't do something just because you are scared or what would happen if you did. I will be excited for you whatever you do. Even those of you going into the "real world." But being excited and interested in someone's life is different than wanting the same things for yourself.
I miss you all terribly. I hope I can see you soon, and I hope I am a little less confused by then about a few things...but either way, I would rather be confused than bored. And I am definitely not that. Also, if anyone knows someone who works for an airline that could hook me up, or if you know of a particularly cheap website for airline tickets, pleease let me know. thanks.

my typical day. I wake up in the morning feelin like p. diddy...

Ok just kidding. But here is a run through of an average day for me at APCA, if you are curious.

• I wake up usually around 6:30
• I eat bananas and peanut butter and crackers
• I go running for about 30 or 45 minutes. I run down the street and just turn around. It's started to get boring, but when I ran through some side streets through other villages, I got chased by about 12 really mean dogs and it just doesn't seem worth the risk to do that daily. Also, the entire time I run, I get stared at like I am some kind of strange creature that no one has ever seen before. And for some of them I guess I pretty much am.
• I come back, stretch and do some other exercises, take a shower and eat a small snack.
• Then I make sure I have everything ready for class, and maybe drink coffee or dawdle around for a while.
• At 9:00 I teach my first "small kid" class. This class has about 13 kids between ages 7 and maybe 14? Not exactly sure. Regardless of their ages, there is a BIG gap in learning levels so it is either wayyy too hard for some or wayyy too easy for some. This applies to all the classes here. I suppose it's like this in all classes everywhere, but I think probably it's worse here than in some situations because some of the kids might not have even gone to school before they started living here.
• At 10:00 I usually get on the internet and skype or email or whatever, maybe do some planning for the next day
• At 11:30 we eat lunch
• At 12 it is English story time with Molly. sometimes I go to this and play the guitar with kids, but sometimes I stay upstairs and rest, plan, or write
• At 1:15 I teach my other "small kid" class- I pretty much do the same thing as at 9, but these kids are a little bit less advanced and more rowdy
• Between 2:15 I either go to the market to get fruit, do some lesson planning, writing, take a nap, read, or listen to music
• At 4:30 I have my "middle kid" class. They are older than the first two classes but there is also a big learning gap, some of these kids are very good at English, some can't spell the word "pink"
• When that ends at 5:30 it is time to eat dinner. At first, Molly and I were eating with the kids, which meant we were mostly eating rice and fish and some random other vegetables or soup. And I couldn't bring myself to eat the fish. But once they found out I was a vegetarian and also there was a new development in how the funding was split(part is now for the volunteers) we eat from the other kitchen, the one inside the building not out in the hut. The food the cook makes us is very good so don't think I'm starving over here by any means.
• After dinner the kids usually have Khmer dancing class so I try to sit and talk to the kids who aren’t dancing/watch the ones who are practicing for a while, until anywhere between 7 and 8:30. Just depends how tired I am.
  -Then(or I just skip to this), I go write down what the classes did during the day and make sure I have a plan for the next day. Then I take a shower, eat another snack of some sort, maybe get on the computer again, and usually write in my journal. Then I watch an episode or two of a show on my computer, like Kenny vs. Spenny or Flight of the Conchords. Then maybe I'll read a little bit and go to sleep. Molly and I are usually in bed watching something by 8:30 or 9:30 and try to actually sleep around 10, though sometimes we can’t sleep right away. Especially if, for instance, there are 17 Korean volunteers at APCA who stay up late. Or, if I get an email from someone that makes me think too much.
  Other random information:
• I just recently moved out of Molly's room and into one of my own. The major upside to this is that I get a mattress. I had been sleeping on a bed, but it was just wood with a blanket over it. So needless to say, a mattress and some extra space to myself is pretty exciting.
  
• I almost never wear shoes unless I am going running or riding a bike to the market. Lately the main discomfort is the burning hot heat of the ground more than the rocks that I'm walking on.
• The mosquitoes have been out full force lately, and seem to concentrate on me more than other people. If go just an hour without being covered in bug spray I will probably have at least a few bites. Lately at the market, especially, I have been nearly eaten alive. But they aren't any bigger or much more concentrated than in say, Maryland in the summer.
• I'm not sure if I'm a good teacher, but I think I am better than I thought I would be. I'm not really very fun and I'm not great with kids (obviously) but I'm getting at least a little bit better.
• Time goes by fast. And I'm still pretty unsure of the rest of my plan in Asia when this ends. It would be nice if I had more money, but luckily I'm hardly spending any here. But I'll have to come back sometime, don't worry.

And so it begins

My head is so full of things to sort out that I have no idea where to begin. So, I suppose I’ll start at the beginning of yesterday, Monday, February 1.

I woke up at 7 am by myself instead of 8 am with my alarm, and realized that I was too excited and anxious to sleep-even on 4 ½ hours from the night before. I started trying to quietly pack some of my things.

Did some last minute things and went with Kristian to an Indian restaurant for breakfast where we got rice, naan bread, 2 dishes, water, and delicious fruit all for 2 dollars each. We went here the previous morning as well. On this day we had ants in our rice that had come from the bowl in the restaurant. New bowl, new rice, new plates and we were good to go. Still a delicious meal.

Finished packing my little bag, said goodbye to Kristian and took a tuk-tuk to the waterpark to meet Molly, the girl from America who has been at APCA (Assistance for Poor Children’s Association) for the past month who I am helping teach English. I was on time and I got in the van with Dara, the director of APCA, Molly, Dara’s wife, and another staff member. It took an hour to get from Phnom Penh to the village where APCA is located.

We got there around 11:30 and I was greeted by all the kids and took a look around. It was overwhelming but luckily Molly has prepared me a lot for what it’s like here. I don’t know what I would do without her. We ate a lunch of rice, some green beans and little fish. I gave my fish to the dog, Kiki. I don’t think I can do it. I must look into alternative sources of protein.

Later Molly and I went to the market down the street. It is about a 5 or 10 minute bike ride and it is much larger than I was expecting. I got a few necessities such as a towel, shampoo, hot sauce, a mosquito net, and a couple other things.

After we had been back for a while we taught an afternoon English class. Monks from a wat nearby attend one of the classes, and today they were the only ones present. We did introductions and things.

Our next class was a younger one where we focused on body parts, followed by a class for the staff of APCA, followed by dinner. Dinner was rice with green beans. The garlic chili sauce I bought earlier was a good call. So were the snacks I brought from Phnom Penh.
After dinner the kids usually have Khmer dancing but today they didn’t, so we did line dancing to popular R&B and rap songs. They especially love Akon!

I also brought out the super shitty guitar that I bought in Saigon for $18 including the case. The tuning is still horrible on it and I could hardly even remember any songs and I still got cheered by the kids. This will be good for my guitar skills, I think. And also my ego. I am leaving the guitar with them when I leave in 2 (or more) months. I think I will have to establish guitar rules for the kids in hopes that they don’t completely break it right away. Good thing it was 18 dollars.

At around 8 the kids started getting ready for bed and I went upstairs to use the internet and try to figure out what’s going on. I succeeded at uploading some photos on facebook (only a few of them from the last couple weeks), but failed at figuring out what’s going on.
When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

be warned, this post contains some explicit content and has very little to do with Vietnam

I want to WRITE something, god damn it. Why is there so much boring shit out there to read? Why do I think I can contribute anything better? Why do I keep looking for ways to rip off authors I like!? It seems like if I have something of value that I have to say I should be able to just say it. It’s not working out that way.

I’m sitting alone in a hotel room in Nha Trang, Vietnam in my underwear, drinking wine and trying to figure out what makes me think I want to write. I was okay with this situation, very content even, until I really got down to the business of writing something I wanted to write. Then I realized that every written thing I produce is either too close to some standard format I must have (miraculously) absorbed in the few decent journalism classes I took, or it’s a haphazard rant like this. But at this moment in time it looks like THIS is what I’ve got. I’d rather go ahead and let you know I’m in a hotel room in my underwear than let you read the standard style stories I’ve been starting and not finishing. what I want to produce is something NEW that’s actually creative and interesting

and WHO the fuck am I to invent a new style of writing

(a 24 year old wanderer-a self deprecating one, at that-with nothing at all to show for my writing but a few boring articles in a portfolio I was required to put together)

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think people generally like my writing because I lay it all out there. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m a bad liar in real life and in writing. It’s probably better for me in writing than in real life. Not necessarily in this case, because I’m pretty sure this is too far inside my head and therefore too extreme. But usually.

I suppose if you are reading this, you are probably expecting an account of my travels. That is what a travel blog is supposed to be, right? Well, that’s exactly why I didn’t want to start one in the first place. Because I knew I would let you down. All the 3 or so people who read this.

I do actually write in my journal everything I do every day of traveling, because I know a) I’m not going to remember all of this stuff, and b) I actually will want to know it sometime. But here I will throw you measly dogs a couple of carrots from the dinner table, because I don’t even like carrots. And if you find that you would rather be tossed a scrap of meat (or tofu) instead, sorry little puppies, but you will have to wait a bit or go to another table. Or go hunting or something.

From Thursday, January 21—I am having the best day! That relies completely on the fact that I’m laying on the beach right now. I forgot for a second how fucking much I like going to the beach. It is awesome here [this is in Hoi An] too, there are these awesome mountains in the distance with clouds topping them, it’s really beautiful. I got in the water too and it’s a good temperature with good sized waves. Ah. I love it. I biked out here once, when it was totally cloudy outside, so I get[tenses are clearly not my strong point] to the beach and it’s beautiful and sunny but I didn’t have my bathing suit with me, so I went all the way back to the hostel, which was like 20 minutes of biking fast, then I was forced to change rooms to one on the 4th floor. Then I finally got my bathing suit on and hoofed it here…
And it goes on. But that is enough, I think.

I really like you scavenging dogs under the table, if you are still anywhere around. But god, carrots are gross.

help, i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer

It could be...

the lack of sleep

being actually alone again

being in a big city

hormones

being hungover

the music i'm listening to

turning 24 while away from everyone i know

traveling in general

i don't know.

but

this is one of the main reasons I came here. For this feeling and for the possibilities it presents me.

This feeling that I am in total control of my life. The knowledge that somehow things really are as horrible or as wonderful as they might seem. The feeling that the usual veil over our perception that is necessary for us to live normally has lifted for a moment. This of course is no way to live practically. But these rare glimpses of the full magnitude of life are what make traveling so addicting.

Because so far this is the sort of vague, cheesy sounding rambling some of you might have heard from me before, I'll try to provide a small example in an effort to explain. Today I read a story about the earthquake in Haiti and started tearing up. I don't know anyone in Haiti and I've never been there before. I don't typically cry at stories of people dying, even in enormous disasters or wars, because I (like everyone else) separate the knowledge of these things from understanding the reality of them. But because today, for whatever reason, I feel like I can grasp reality better than usual, the story struck me as probably it should.

I miss everyone terribly right now. I want Swift to be in my lap. I want to be at home, in Nashville, in Chattanooga, and in Knoxville all at the same time. But also I want nothing more than to go to Sapa tonight (I am actually doing this) and do a trek tomorrow.

Even though I do miss my family and friends and I'm incredibly grateful to have these people in my life, I am absolutely ok with being alone. I'm the only one that I can understand(at all) or count on (completely), so that is a solid enough base for me to start from to proceed to interactions and relationships with other people.

If this post doesn't make sense to you or you think it's weird, I suppose we wouldn't be friends in the first place so maybe you should go find someone else's travel blog where you can read what they did for the last week. hah.

Dang!!